People are always telling me that my mother is here watching over me, but that doesn't help the fact that I still miss her very much. I miss talking to her. Moms was also my best friend, more like a sister after I went off to college, and I really miss having her around to talk to. Somedays I miss having her around because she knew me, really knew me. She understood the nuances of my voice, how I phrase my words, when I really am upset, when I'm joking, how I go about trying to find answers and understand things... she just knew me, and I was getting to know her. I knew when she was upset and I could read her expressions and body language to see how she had taken something I'd just said. I miss that.

I really miss her opinions as well. Moms always knew what to say. I'm always hearing that I'm a know-it-all but I still subscribe to one of Moms' life lessons, it went something like, someone who's truly smart knows that they know nothing at all. Or something like that. Moms knew that when I really wanted to help, I'd start firing off suggestions a mile a minute, hoping to ease the other peron's pain, or just give them a bunch of options to either choose from, or dissect to make their own option. Nowadays, I'm always hearing that I'm telling people what to do, and that I act too empowered, as if I always have the perfect answer. But Moms understood that my knee-jerk suggestion/advice giving response was because I like helping people and I also hate being helpless. Being helpless is one of my greatest fears, along with being rejected or abandoned. The thought of not having any options paralyzes me. That's why I cringe whenever I hear someone say, "Oh, I don't have any choice."

Moms also understood that I saw the world in black or white. She always tried to get me to see the shades of grey, but I guess I'm like my father: everything can be simplified. Kind of like a mathematical equation. Take my approach to life's problems. There are always going to be problems, at least the way I see it, so you can either let your problems stump you or deal. 'Dealing' isn't necessarily instantaneous, and Moms knew that I saw it that way. I mean, I still haven't 'dealt' with the fact that she's really gone and not coming back. And yes, there was a time, a long time, where I let my grief 'stump' me, but I know that death is something we all have to face eventually, so I have to keep dealing, day by day, and each time when I miss her as much as I do now.

Oh, for one of her life lessons! The one that will always stay with me is: The Universe is perfect and everything is as it should be. That came along with, be careful what you ask for and how you phrase what you ask for. (If you're lost, you can read The Game of Life and How to Play It, I'm so happy Moms bought me one). Moms was also really big on "Those who know better do better", which is why I've been able to get a handle on my temper. I'm sure most people don't see the progress I've made because let's face it, I still lose my temper sometimes, and no one ever remembers the good anyway. When things get heated, most people can only remember the bad. I try to remember the good. Moms knew that was just how I am, and that it didn't have anything to do with me trying to be better than anyone else. I mean, when I was younger I used to say random stuff like, "Mommy, I think if people spent more time looking up at the clouds they'd be happier, 'cause aren't the clouds pretty? God's great!" Yes, that was me.

I guess I just miss being automatically being understood without having to explain. No, actually that's unfair. I miss not being misunderstood even more. I miss that alot. These days no matter how hard I try, or how long I go on explaining myself, I'm always saying or doing something wrong, or not understanding, or not helping and supporting. I feel like such a failure. And then I hear that I have no reason to be sad, and that I complain too much, or that I don't care enough, or sometimes that's too much.

I think I miss my mother as well because when she was alive things were simpler. I guess I'm trying to be my own Peter Pan. At least that's how I was when she'd just died. Now, I really just miss talking to her, and hearing her talk back.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What The Rich Teach Their Kids About Money - That The Poor And Middle Class Do Not! by Robert T. Kiyosaki with Sharon L. Lechter... it's a really good book, which I'd definitely recommend to anyone. You've got to read it carefully though because there are many differences between the US and Jamaican legal and tax systems, and just our cultures in general (for example, I've never really heard of a Jamaican talking about their car as an asset, I mean let's face it, you're more likely to lose the whole thing in one of these pot holes, so unless it's running a robot taxi, a car out here is just not an asset).

There are good tips though, especially the main tip which is just to enhance your financial intelligence - which is something we're not taught in schools. Trust me, get the book it's worth it.



Here's a diagram that I randomly found online that describes something talkd about in the book. It shows why how the middle class spends their money doesn't add up to them becoming rich because instead of buy stocks/bonds etc that add to the asset columns, the middle class only spend their income on expenses like food/credit card and liabilities like home (mortgage, tax etc):

This is the website I got that diagram from Click Here.

Traffic Tales V

This one is actually about traffic itself because ever since I got my A/C compressor installed I haven't really been driving around with my windows down in traffic. Actually, that's not entirely true, I just don't drive down Balmoral and up Maxfield Avenue into Half-Way-Tree to go home anymore because the traffic is just ridiculous. I've also started going to the gym here at work, which allows me to stay late enough to avoid the worst parts of the traffic.

But it's still CRAZY. And being pelted with rain since mid-September doesn't help any either. I mean I nearly hydro-locked my engine dropping J to the airport on October 10 because of all the water on the road. (FYI this puddle in question, well no LAKE appeared out of no where, it's down on the new 'high way' that leads from downtown over to Harbour View.) Anyway, we don't have the best short term drainage systems here in Jamaica and it's like whenever rain falls everyone forgets how to drive. So that basically means that everyone has been driving like a lunatic since mid-September. Yours truly included. I can be honest. I mean like last night I just put my car into a spot trying to get from Beechwood onto Lyndhurst Road. Unfortunately, traffic didn't move the way I wanted it to and I ended up having to reverse up Beechwood Road a little bit, and then take some serious backroads just to get to Half-Way-Tree, which surprisingly enough was devoid of the usual traffic.

Let's not talk about the clothes situation. Last week was the first time since J left that clothes have been washed and allowed to drive. I was almost running out of clothes, which just made me miss Louisiana more because over half my clothes are still there. Everything makes me miss being there with J to be honest so let me not get started. Although last Halloween was bittersweet - don't ask, if you don't already know about it, I'm not mentioning it, this one is going with me to the grave - but still, we were together. I remember a bunch of us went to see Saw and I got a ridiculous headache because I hate movies like that, but it felt nice to be able to tuck my head into J's shoulder for the whole movie.

And now I'm here alone. This sucks donkey balls. I'm rambling... but I don't want to go and get into the traffic! Olivia just walked past me and said that she's going to go and sit in the traffic. My reply? I'm stalling. I mean let's face it, I'm obviously not sitting here doing work. The livejournal update screen doesn't resemble our news editing software in the slightest :-p Not only that, my bags are packed: the handbag is out the filing cabinet and on the desk, my notebooks are stacked and my car keys are right here beside me. Okay, it's 6:41 now, aaargh T just called to find out if I want to go and play kalooki, I don't know. I might be so damn tired after fighting up in the traffic that I may just need to sleep. Yesterday I was SO tired, my knees, shoulders, everything hurt. J should be home by the time I get there. I dunno... 6:42... it seems like time has stalled as well.

Ahh to hell with it. I may as well just leave, thank God for A/C and a radio.

That one song...

Every once in awhile there's a song that grabs you, that you can't get out of your head, that gives you goosebumps, that swells your heart when the break cascades over you, it strums the strings of your soul... more often than not most people consider these songs sapsy as hell. I know Jason's song is Ordinary People by John Legend. And with all the miles separating us right now, I think this fits. Jas, I must stick with you...

Artist: The Pussycat Dolls
Song: Stickwitu


I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
Throwing their love away
I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

I don't want to go another
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride
In our privated lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you
We'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you
Baby, you're with me

So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts
So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

Everything starts at a year?

It seems that everything starts at a year. I won't be able to take leave until I've been working with the company for a year. No NHT benefits unless you've been working for a year. Real marriage starts after a year ;-)

On the NHT subject (the NHT is the National Housing Trust for the non-Jamaicans), did you know that you can only get a maximum of $1.5 million, and $3 million if you apply jointly with your spouse? Now $1.5mil might seem like pittance to some people, but they way I see it, don't we pay into the NHT as a mandatory deduction? So on one hand, I may as well take the loan then when it comes to mortgage time. I'll probably have to give this one more thought, but it just seems to me that I may as well use some of the money I've started paying away each month.

But then apparently, a studio (not one bedroom) in Kingston costs $5 million, so what is $1.5 going to do?

Looking at contingency plans is giving me a headache. Or maybe I just need to eat. Food. Yes, food is always a good idea. Food time.

Why bother?

Days like this I wonder why we bother? After trying and praying so hard, J' Florida orders seem to be falling through the cracks. ON A TECHNICALITY! I mean okay, it makes sense, but it's such a bitter pill to swallow. I don't want to give up hoping that it will come through, I really don't. I tell myself to be positive, I keep a smile on and keep my voice chipper for J because he's understandably not taking this well. But everytime he checks the system and nothing has changed it's like a piece of me dies.

I know we should probably start thinking of what we'll do if there really is no chance of going to Florida. But it feels like if we start doing that then we'll have given up, and I don't want to give up. I want this dream to come true.

A day from hell

Today has been a day from hell. And I'm sure even though it's already ten minutes to ten, that it could get worse. I'm just praying that it doesn't. Right now I have problems with, oh gosh, I'm not even going to bother to list everything. The Feds would come knocking at my door I'm sure of it. And Firefox keeps popping up a damn search/find bar everytime I hit an apostrophe or even a slash! And people wonder why I said that this damn browser doesn't - there it goes again! Stupid browser.

Argh, I' forget this, bed time.

Was I pregnant?

Apparently I wasn't but I sure thought that I was up until last night when I started having doubts and this morning at approximately 4:30 am when the most horrific cramps I've felt this side of being a teenager kicked in. See J and I decided that I should come off the pill last month, and while he was here we, well, let's just say we 'watched a lot of TV'. That said when I didn't start on Wednesday as normal, I immediately began thinking that there was a 'bun in the oven' as my supervisor so succintly put it when he asked whether or not I'd be able to manage riding a horse for my next adventure assignment.

Anyway, yesterday at the gym I did these advanced crunches that work your lower abs and bottom where I had to curl my knees up pretty much to my chin. Hard ass stuff. And then when I got home and changed off I saw what made me start having my doubts about little Colin or Melissa (yes we've decided on names hehe) being born anytime within the next nine months. When the wracking cramps woke me up this morning though was, "Dear God, I killed our unborn child by going to the gym." So of course between that and the cramps I started to bawl. Well, to be honest I'd bawled myself to sleep the night before too but hey, I had a right, what I now know to be PMS had me very emotional and as cliché as this may sound, I really can't wait to have J's child. That said, okay, so thinking that I spontaneously aborted a child by doing some exercise is a bit far fetched (at least now that J's explained it, now I know it is) but I don't know everything.

Well, as my mother used to say, "The Universe is perfect and everything is as it should be." I mean let's face it, my father's girlfriend had a son on Monday, it would've been a bit too close to soap opera-ville for me to find out I'm pregnant that same Friday!

If I see this word one more time...

Alacrity. Honestly, the next book I see it in might find itself missing a couple pages. Why is it that virtually every historical romance novel must make use of this word? I even found one fiction writer slipping it into a contemporary romance novel the other day! Then I started a Patricia Cabott book the other day. I'd never read anything by her before and I was really blown over by how good a writer she is. This book was going along pretty great. So much so in fact that it dawned on me that no one had done anything at all, not even sit down, with form of alacrity - which, by the way, means 'promptness in response' or 'cheerful readiness'. But then she had to go and spoil it somewhere near the end. I was so disturbed that I think I scared the people in the Cross Roads Island Grill.

Oh well, I guess I'll just go and chose a new book to read with alacrity then. :-)

Patience

Patience is so valuable but so hard to get a good grip on. I mean how patient are you really? I know that I have lots of room for improvement but there are times where I can literally feel like God has come down and said, "Okay, don't say that, take a deep breath Kim and say this instead." And I'm really grateful for that. :)

Some quotes on patience:

Chinese Proverb
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
Patience and fortitude conquer all things.

Brian Adams
Patience is the greatest of all virtues.

Dutch Proverb
Our patience will achieve more than our force.

Leonardo da Vinci
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Ramblings

Don't you hate re-installing a computer? I can't believe just Tuesday I was actually telling people that I like reformatting computers. What a load of bull. The only thing I'm looking forward to is re-installing the Sims 2. There's a new EP out called Nightlife but with the length of time this laptop took to load University, jah know I won't be buying that EP aaaanytime soon. Unless my papers come through soon and I'm buying it for the PC up in LA.

Speaking of Louisiana, the Andersons are looking to move to Florida soon. It's pretty much confirmed that J got ordered to Tyndall Air Force Base, which is right by Panama City. Now we really wanted to go to Tampa, but still Florida! It's closer to Jamaica for one thing, so that should mean cheaper plane fares, and Orlando is only 6.5 hours drive away so we could use the timeshare more once I'm there.

Let's see, other than that nothing much else is going on. Trying to keep going at work, last Sunday made three months (wondering if I blogged that already) at the paper, and right now I'm trying to stay organised. I love my Palm Tungsten T2, it's not the latest model but it sure helps me stay on top of things. Now I just need to find a way to waterproof the thing so I can enter the ideas that I always come up with in the shower.

Ramblings, ahhhh I missed my blog. Just the ability to type, and type, whatever comes to mind. I wonder how many people read this thing though. Anyway, here's something cool I found. It's an online map where the people who know can post little flags on where they're from, complete with messages and pictures. Here's mine:

http://www.risingconcepts.com/frapper/slybabyk

Have fun.

No Internet

It's like one of the circles in Dantes Hell, no J, no home phone, no Internet (and I mean no high speed, no wireless, no dialup, NOTHING). Apparently there was a fire in the complex either Monday or Tuesday night that damaged the Cable and Wireless Jamaica power lines. So right now I'm at Cafe What's On Jamaica at Devon House typing for all I'm worth until 10:00 pm when they close.

Missing J is hard. This most recent was so much better than the one in July, even though we had one week less than the last time. We've just become closer emotionally, and I'm not afraid to say it, we had some damn good sex!! DWL... seriously, ladies, going to the gym and building those abs works! I didn't even whimper today when the fitness guy at work upgraded my workout to advanced crunches. I just kept chanting my mantra over and over in my head, 'Will... get... more... balance... on... top...' *giggle*

Anyway, time to pay the bill and go...

Quickie blog

J has been here since Monday :) So it's understandable that I hadn't really checked any of my email accounts since before I went to get him at the airport on Monday. Actually, that's not true, I've checked my work email, no choice there. On Monday it was as if almost everything that could go wrong did. The server kept dying at work, and then my keyboard quit. Seriously quit, as in had to wait on a new keyboard to come from systems quit! But I made it to the airport on time and J and I have been having a great time all week.

I'm just about to leave to head into the office. I normally go in at about 1:00 pm, but since we might try to go to catch the motorsports part of Montego Bay's 25th anniversary celebrations tomorrow I stayed here to try and get some editing done so I wouldn't be up till the crack of dawn on Monday morning.

Anyway, time to head off to work. :)