Shouldering guilt

• Mood: Undecided
  
• Music: Kelly Clarkson - Because of You (TRL)
  

A couple of months ago I was having a conversation with AP, and we ended up talking about Catholocism and that it's a religion based on guilt. We're born sinners, something we're supposed to be guilty and ashamed about. Christ came and died for us, but not because we could do anything great enough to earn salvation for ourselves, something to feel guilty about. Gratitude is mixed in there of course, but the consensus we reached was that as Catholics, we do 'guilty' very well.

• Music: Madonna - Caught Up (TRL)

Guilt isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think, I mean it goes along with having a conscience right? It's when you start feeling guilty about things you know you didn't do wrong that it gets bad.

I got this from Fyr Don't be too shocked now, alright :-) Yeah, I think I'm definitely on the up and up, my smiles are getting bigger and staying longer. The first couple of these in the list too me back to memories from what feels like another lifetime...

• Music: Eric Prydz - Call On Me (big tune!!)
  

(X) smoked a cigarette
(X) smoked a cigar
(X) smoked anything else
(X) made out with a member of the same sex (don't ask :)
(_) crashed a friend's car

(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
(_) shoplifted
(_) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight

(X) snuck out of parent's house
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(_) been arrested
(X) made out with a stranger
(X) gone on a blind date

(X) lied to a friend
(_) had a crush on a teacher
(X) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker
(_) seen someone die

(_) had/have a crush on one of your siblings friends
(_) been to Canada
(_) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
(_) thrown up in a bar

(_) eaten Sushi
(_) been snowboarding
(X) met someone just for sex
(X) been moshing at a concert

(X) been in an abusive relationship
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone right now
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel

(X) had a tea party
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up as an adult (the legacy of being an only child)

(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(_) gone sledding
(_) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school

(_) used a fake ID
(X) watched the sun set
(X) felt an earthquake
(X) touched a snake..

(X) been tickled
(_) been robbed
(_) robbed someone
(X) been misunderstood
(_) pet a reindeer/goat

(X) won a contest
(_) been suspended from school
(X) had detention
(X) been in a car accident

(x) have/had braces
(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) had deja vu
(X) danced in the moonlight

(X) hated the way you looked
(X) witnessed a crime
(X) pole danced (fully clothed at a nightclub, and there was no jumping on the pole :-p)
(X) questioned your heart
(X) been obsessed with post-it notes

(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(X) been to the opposite side of the country (Jamaica's real small)
(X) swam in the ocean
(X) felt like dying

(X) cried yourself to sleep
(_) played cops and robbers
(_) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(_) paid for a meal with only coins

(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) made prank phone calls
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) kissed in the rain

(_) written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) been kissed under a mistletoe
(_) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
(_) made a bonfire on the beach

(X) crashed a party
(_) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(X) gone rollerskating/blading
(X) had a wish come true
(_) humped a monkey
(X) worn pearls
(_) worn leather pants
(_) jumped off a bridge
(_) screamed "penis" in class
(_) ate cat food
(_) told a complete stranger you loved them

(X) sang in the shower
(X) have a little black dress
(_) had sex in a park
(X) had sex in the bathroom
(X) had a dream that you married someone (and made it come true :-)
(X) glued your hand to something

(_) got your tongue stuck to a pole
(_) kissed a fish
(X) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(_) been a cheerleader
(_) slept on a roof top

(_) had sex in a church
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
(_) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night

(_) didn't take a shower for a week
(_) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) climbed a tree
(_) built a tree house

(X) believes in ghosts
(_) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(X) worn a really ugly outfit to school
(_) gone streaking
(_) played ding-dong-ditch

(_) played chicken fight
(X) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(X) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(_) broken a bone
(X) been easily amused

(_) caught a fish then ate it
(X) made porn
(_) caught a butterfly
(X) laughed so hard you cried
(X) cried so hard you laughed

(_) mooned/flashed someone
(_) had someone moon or flash you
(_) cheated on a test
(X) forgotten someones name
(_) forgotten someones name during sex

(X) slept naked
(_) French braided someones hair..
(X) gone skinny dippin in a pool
(_) been kicked out of your house.

(X) Met someone online
(X) Had sex with someone you met online
(_) Married someone you met online
(X) Had cyber sex

(_) You owned a Mrs. Beasley Doll
(X) Cried when it was time to throw away your stuffed animals
(_) You sneak to your kids room at night to watch them sleep
(X) Talk in your sleep

Motivation

I found the song to get me going at work today. It's been a painful day, one of those where you find everything to do except what you should be doing. I've been here since after 2:00 pm and I've just sat down to do serious work. Well, no that's not true, I was helping a George's student with a group newspaper until sometime after 5:00 pm, but in terms of my own work, I even started troubleshooting my laptop's CD burning rather than sitting down to editing.

Anyway, today's choice lyric:

Cody Chesnutt:
I don't ask, for much these days
And I don't bitch, and whine, if I don't get my way
- The Roots, The Seed (2.0)

• Mood:emotionally drained
• Music:The Roots - Break You Off

Rock Bottom

Two years, seven months and 13 days ago I hit emotional rock bottom. Or at least I was on my way there. My Moms' funeral was on April 12, 2005 (just four days after what would've been her 50th birthday) and while April 5 (the day she died) until April 12 was a blur, everything that has happened after the 12th has been in sharp focus. I think I hit absolute bottom within the week that I flew back to school in Holland. It may have been that first night I went back to Utrecht, and found my 'friends' preparing to head out to a party, leaving, even though the knew that I was coming back that day, going away, leaving me in the massive unit all by myself. They had even asked me if I wanted to come to the party with them. I'd wanted to shout, "My mother's been dead less than a month and I'm supposed to go what?" But that wouldn't have been fair, everyone deals with their problems differently, what counts as support is different for each person, and different people have different ways of coping. So I went to my room and packed an overnight bag to head back to my then-boyfriend's house where I'd actually stayed the first couple days back in Holland. The irony of the situation? My 'friends' and I all ended up on the same train. Their stop was a small town outside of Utrecht, I went on to Gouda and then caught the train to Rotterdam. That night I think I hit rock botttom.

I didn't know it was actually possible to hit rock bottom twice and come out still breathing and unscathed, physically anyway. Last Friday night/Saturday morning I hit rock bottom. I sat in my car, in my night clothes, staring at the red stop light at the intersection of Cenntral Avenue, Shortwood Road and Constant Spring Road and I knew that I was there, again for Christ's sake. I'll take a couple things with me from that night. The only one thing that I can feel good about though is that I nailed the sexiest drift ever from Constant Spring to Dunrobin Avenue. Pure drifting mastery, the right line, the right amount of lock, the right tyre pressure, the right place to hold the steering wheel, the right way to feather the gas. Right. In a whole night, well couple days of wrongs, the rights have been my driving. My hill run that night was perfect. The only run that was better was the one I did the previous night, where I pushed as hard as I ever have, and I was rewarded with the fastest, tighest, cleanest run I've ever had. I hit rock bottom again, but I'll be okay, again. I can still joke about the fact that I drive so well when I'm upset that it's scary.

Unfortunately, I haven't found any answers at yet, but at least I've found the questions that I have to ask myself to find the right answers. And that, amazingly, has given me peace of mind.

Your [...] cannot be accepted.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I wish I could stick more to the Biblical ideal. I feel like such a failure, always trying my best but always falling short. Always not doing the right thing, always saying it wrong, never able to properly explain, and too slow to understand. Not supportive, not caring, not loving, not sharing, just not doing a good job. Making it worse, adding more stress, and causing more pain. With so many flaws is it fair to doggedly carry on, despite all the hurt, anger, pain, upset, distress, sadness and depression that I apparently cause? Is it fair to say, I ever won't give up, so I don't expect any giving up, despite the hurt, anger and pain. Loss of respect. Respect = dedication and keeping the promise, despite it all, and alot more but that's what comes to mind right now. Patient - not enough; kind - not enough; boast/proud - don't care; not rude - sometimes no control; not self-seeking - not sure of the meaning; not easily angered - anger management needed; keeps no records of wrongs - slate wiping in progress; does not delight in evil - evil sickens; truth - blunt; always protects - when temper in check; hopes/perservers - doggedly; love never fails - it can't, all that's left. Is this normal? My head and eyes hurt, I've just let everyone think I'm worried about my car (how much should an alternator and power steering belt worry one?). I hurt, deep on my stomach, that kind of rolling pain that makes you feel like you want to throw up, or just find a corner and well, give up. Patience. Perseverance. Pride (don't care?). Please. Progress. Passion. Peace. Please. Past. Present. Please.

Made me smile

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Cool, huh? So's enjoying my day off! J and I had a deep heart-to-heart earlier, which was nice, we hadn't been able to sit down for him to be able to get everything off his chest in weeks because I'd been just going and going with work. Plus I finally got Office updated on the laptop (thanks Squeeze!). I am doing a bit of work (the payroll) but I've got MTV on with last week's Making the Band 3 on, and I'm just well, vegetating. It's nice. I'm sure there's something I have to do on the road but I don't want to go out and face the world just yet :)

Song of the moment...

This song definitely deserves all the airplay its been getting and more: Don't Lie by the Black Eyed Peas is what's on repeat on my WMA and this my favourite verse (besides the chorus which is so amazing!)

[APL]
She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became

And on their album Monkey Business this track is followed by My Humps. I definitely need to fix the damn burner in my laptop :p

• Mood: doing pretty good all things considered
  
• Music: My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
  

Song of the moment...

This song definitely deserves all the airplay its been getting and more: Don't Lie by the Black Eyed Peas is what's on repeat on my WMA and this my favourite verse (besides the chorus which is so amazing!)

[APL]
She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became

And on their album Monkey Business this track is followed by My Humps. I definitely need to fix the damn burner in my laptop :p

• Mood: doing pretty good all things considered
  
• Music: My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
  

The things you don't see

I'm catching up with my two bestfriends from UCU, and one tells me that the brother of someone I knew at UCU hung himself two weeks ago. The girl and I weren't close, but we worked together because of the Dance Comittee myself and my two friends were on, and she's on of those people you'll always remember as being cool. One of the first questions my other bestfriend asked was whether or not the brother was having problems at school. The answer, "No, everything was fine."

Isn't that the way it usually comes out? Either the person in question was extremely troubled, so suicide doesn't come as a surprise, or no one had any idea anything was wrong, but it's always the things you don't see. Everything always seems fine but there's probably one area of the person's life that's falling apart that no one sees. I suppose that sometimes that could even make the situation worse and the person could be driven over the edge wondering what people would think when it comes to light that everything really isn't fine.

I hope God will help her find comfort somehow. Losing a loved one is never easy, no matter what the conditions that they go under are, it's always very, very hard.

Intellectually stimulating and fun!

This game is seriously sweet... for all those Common Entrance mental ability buffs (yes, my time was pre-GSAT), check this out:

How Fast Can You Think?
http://www.gieson.com/Library/projects/games/matter/

My score the first time, with no cheats, was 863. Post a comment and let's see what we get going.

• Mood: tired, it's been a long day
  
• Music: some street sound system playing I don't want to know
  

Do As I Say...

You're writing a "gospel," a chapter each day,
By the deeds that you do, by the words that you say;
Men read what you write, whether faithless or true—
Say, what is the "gospel" according to you? —Gilbert

"Do as I say, not as I do." I don't quite know where that saying came from but it's quite popular these days. This morning's ODB devotion was talking about this as well, that Christians need to be careful that their righteous and holy words match their actions else their "audience" is going to get mixed messages.

And isn't that the truth? I remember the girl that Jas' and I shared an apartment with was a trip. She was a minister in her church and had the most holier-than-thou attitude ever, but if you weren't a member of her congregation, she just didn't give two clicks about you. It wasn't that she was deliberately ill-mannered, it was as if she just didn't care.

I remember my Aunt and cousin came for Christmas, and we baked her a cake for her birthday and she had two bites and that was it. Then she'd talk bad about her fellow 'church sisters' behind their backs, wondering outloud why they thought she was monopolizing the pastor's time, when he was only 'helping' her. Even to the point where he was going to find her a plae to live - right across the street from the church, and rent free for the first three months, no less - so she could help with morning devotions.

I mean, okay, maybe nothing untoward was happening, but gosh. And then over Christmas (when we found out that in fact the pastor hadn't come through with the place to live) the choir master/music director started showing up. They'd spend their time in the living room in front the TV until all hours of the morning, which in essence is alright, but is quite inconsiderate when my Aunt and cousin are in the bedroom and she knows that Jas and I need to fold out the futon to sleep. I remember one night Jas and I just gave up and bedded down on the floor in the room with my Aunt and cousin and at sometime in the early morning hours she knocks on the door to say, "Oh, my company's gone now, so y'all come out." or something inane like that. I was too tired to curse her off, so I just told her curtly that it's okay, and shut the bedroom door firmly in her face.

It was even based on this 'house via pastor' that Jas and I had to plan and move on base because we wouldn't have been able to afford rent by ourselves (I couldn't work, no permit). Moving out in itself was a debacle, she was so far gone we nearly came to blows over a two-bit, cheap, Wal-mart toaster.

Sad, on my part too, I should've laughed in her face and gone back to the room and shut the door and ignored her manic screaming. Anyway, last thing I heard she was five months pregnant for the choir master/music director.

The moral of this story? If I wasn't already Catholic, she would've turned me off all forms of religion. And that's the saddest part right there, because who knows how many other potential Christians she turned off from God?

• Mood: tired as hell, did nothing but toss and turn all night
• Music: sirens on the main road

Doesn't sound like Sunday

I was opening up the house this morning when it hit me, Sunday doesn't sound like Sunday anymore. Yes, I live in the V space between the meeting point of two major roads but still, a couple years ago Sunday morning was still quiet. It's like when I first came down six months ago (I've been here six months already? Now that's depressing.) I wondered where all the traffic on the main road the complex opens onto came from. It just never used to be this congested! Some would say it's a sign of progress. I say it's the sign of uncoming headaches: longer traffic delays, more wasting gas, earlier waking-up times and increased propensity for migraines.

World Kindness Day
So anyway, today is World Kindness Day. And no it's not a random Blue Mountain or Hallmark day, it actually commemorates "the opening day of the first World Kindness Movement® conference held at Tokyo in 1998, and the 35th anniversary of the Small Kindness Movement of Japan, which brought the signatories of the ‘declaration of kindness’ of the World Kindness Movement together in 1997," according to an Australian Kindness website.

Today's ODB (Our Daily Bread) mentioned it as well, which was kinda cool:

Lord, compassion is part of Your character, and
kindness is one of the best ways to show the world what You are like.
May Your compassion fill my heart and spill over into the lives
of everyone I encounter. Amen.

Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.

• Mood: still a bit sleepy

Migraines and the BMW 7 series

This migraine ranks up there as one of the worst ever. I can't believe I'm actually here staring at the laptop but oh well. When I came in from work (and you know I must've looked like crap when I was leaving because the gym guy, who usually shouts down as I drive out to ask why I'm not going to work out, took one look at me and said, "Yes Kim, go home and lie down.") I went straight upstairs, and crashed on the bed in the pitch black house. The only reasons I'm down here now are: 1. food and 2. I thought J would be online by now.

And I lay this migraine squarely at the feet of the BMW 7 series. I didn't even see the car today at the ADA 2005 Motor Show at the National Arena but it still gave me a headache. I mean, J$23,000,000.00 for a car? And those are the right amount of zeros. That's like approximately US$359,000.00. Of course the car wasn't at the show, was all I could say after hearing the price, the people who can afford to buy a car like that would never have to mingle with us plebs, I'm sure they'd drive the damn car to their residence for them! I'd already had a headache after one of the reporters from work pointed out that the J$115,000+ listed in the windscreen of one BMW sedan was not the down payment but the monthly payment, the downpayment being a measly half a million Jamaican dollars. All I could blurt out was, "So what must the insurance on these things be like?!"

I was wayyy out of my league.

Jamaica and the Credit Card Mentality
So I took myself upstairs to the model cars section, where I found a nice yellow Initial D RX-7 FD3S for J$3000.00, which I'll be getting J for Christmas. Speaking of upstairs, right before the model cars booth I was accosted by an NBC representative. She definitely gets points for her approach though, she wasn't pushy or overbearing or rude or anything, so I went over to hear what she had to say. Since we were at a car show, her first spiel was about a car loan. I think I shocked her with my declaration of love for Max, my 15-year-old car that I refuse to part with. On hearing Nissan 240SX she couldn't hide the complete look of "Huh?" from her face, but she gets points for the comeback, "Well, it sure sounds fast." Sadly, I had to point out that Max, in fact, isn't fast (the car should do somewhere around 16.55 on the quarter mile, he's built to corner not go in a straight line). So anyway, I patiently explained that my goal is to set-up my car, not sell it. At which point she proceeded to tell me that a credit card was exactly the thing for me.

Jamaica, we're in trouble. Because here I was thinking to myself that I was doing the right thing by waiting until I saved up enough from my paycheque to actually afford the parts and mods without credit. God help us, another trait from our northern neighbours is knocking on the door.

• Mood: miserable, migraines suck
• Music: some street dance on Red Hills Road

Gas madness again

On the heels of my blog this morning mentioning the gas riots, it's madness on the streets. In just about an hour, all our gas stations are going to shut down, possibly until at least Friday. I mean, I can understand the cause, and I understand that they cannot operate when their margin has been cut from 8.2% to 3%, but shutting down all the stations? There are police directing traffic, stations out of gas, window wipers harassing the motorists because traffic is at a standstill and drivers abandoning their vehicles to walk. Pissing off the general public might not help their cause because as the JGRA president rightly said on Cover Story on Kool 97FM, it's us motorists and the gasoline retailers that have to live, not the bigger heads up in Miami who they're trying to force into action.

Read more about the situation online:
Esso dealers to discuss next move today
http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/news/html/20051108T220000-500_92134_OBS_ESSO_DEALERS_TO_DISCUSS_NEXT_MOVE_TODAY.asp

JGRA considering shutdown of other service stations
http://www.rjr94fm.com/news/story.php?category=2&story=21218

Esso stand-off set to escalate - Gas retailers hang tough in pricing row
http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20051109/lead/lead5.html

Postscript: Well, they called off the two-day strike. Don't I feel glad that I came straight home and didn't bother joining any long line? And my half a tank is still going strong. Here are some more articles...

Normality returns to petroleum sector
http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/news/html/20051110T220000-0500_92265_OBS_NORMALITY_RETURNS_TO_PETROLEUM_SECTOR.asp

FTC probing Esso's pricing policy
http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20051111/lead/lead4.html

Heaven (JGRA president) appologises for consumer gas scare
http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20051111/lead/lead5.html

France and the third-world idea

Interesting stuff the riots happening in France, huh? Although they've calmed down now, according to an MSNBC report I just read I still think it's interesting that a major Euro zone country could have riots for that long. Back in the '90s we only shut down Kingston for aout 3 days with the gas riots, and true metropolitan Paris was largely unaffected, but 1,000 cars torched? Schools, nurseries, homes burned? At least we only loot and block roads for the most part. There was even a report of an old woman on a bus being doused with an accelerant and set afire.

And these so-called first world countries like to look down on us here. Already the finger pointing has started. Immigrants. Arabs. Africans. People from low-income communities. People from the projects. I'm sure some of these people have been naturalised? Tempers can flare and riots can happen anywhere in the world. I'm just so tired of people ascribing things to 'third-world country behaviour', like that woman in the States who had to give birth during Katrina. She had the audacity to say that her birthing was under 'third-world conditions'. And then there's the man who heads the Red Cross for that area, saying that going into Biloxi, Mississippi was like going into a 'third-world country'.

Obviously, these people never got a glimpse of Bulbie's river-view mansion (complete with sattelite dish and three water tanks) in Clarendon. Maybe it's being lumped together that I'm fighting against. But I'm sure even in Africa, which most of these first-world country-ites seem to forget isn't just one big whopping country (as a side note, how many people know exactly how many countries there are on the African continent anyway?), there must be big houses, people driving big cars, living the life, I can attest to it. I haven't been there but one of my old housemates from Holland is from South Africa and I've seen pictures. So what's this third-world country thing about anyway?

Power.

When I was younger I once asked when Jamaica was going to step up and become a second-world country. The answer I got was that second-world countries are communist. Right. So apparently we'll never be first world (imagine us having a permanent seat on the UN Security Council for example?), so we're stuck in a category that even though it originated to describe political structures, is currently used to link us to being backward, lacking modern technological advacements, and generally just being in the stone ages.

Okay, sure, we do murder a lot of people here, and we do need to do something about the level of crime and violece. But it's not as if Jamaica is the only place in the world that murders take place? Is it? These so-called third-world country offences happen elsewhere as well, like riots, as the people of France can now attest. The world (more like the first-world) needs to just wake up and recognise. It's at your gates - suffering and loss from natural disasters, the fear of a car-bombing, riots - we're pretty much all on the same street now.

• Mood: hungry, dreading running my errands today
• Music: the hum of the laptop...

post script

My leaky roof analogy is missing something. I've been staring at it for the past 15 minutes and I finally realised what it is. There's the roof caving in, ripping the umbrella to shreds and burning the house down but what about if you've made a long-term/lifelong committment to the house, say you've bought it? Then you'd simply rebuild, and keep rebuilding... if you're dedicated enough.

Well, no one has ever said that Leos lack in the determination department!

Analysing situations when you've calmed down sure makes life a lot simpler :-)

• Mood : sleepy...

Sometimes.

"Sometimes it's not about what you want, it's about what you can deal with." - 05/11/05

I'm sitting here realising that in terms of a particular situation that's been troubling me, no one's been able to tell me how to make it stop, but everyone has been quite gung-ho about ow I can deal with it or contain it.

It's like giving a man with a leaky roof an umbrella rather than something to seal his roof and stop the leak. One day, either the whole roof might cave in or he may get so fed up that he rips the umbrella to shreds and burns the whole house down.

Realising this has made me very sad. Esepcially because this is what I think I was trying to get at with the long ass post I made earlier.

I wish my foot wasn't still bandaged, then I could go and run the Hill and forget...

My life is a spectator sport

Sometimes I feel like my life is a spectator sport. It's like The Price is Right meets Jeopardy or maybe Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with permanent lifelines, always there shouting the answers. I feel like I'm always being told what to do.

I don't think I can remember the last time someone actually asked me, "So Kim, what do you want to do about ?" It's "Why didn't you do this?" or "You need to do that." And when I do say what I want to do about a situation, I often get either an "Okay" tinged with disbelief that I'd ignore their statement, a "Sure Kim" that amounds to "Fine, you're obviously stupid because you won't do what I say", or "Do whatever you want" which I found out never ever means to do what I want, that means you're to do what the person saying that wants on pain of well, emotional death.

That I feel this way is actually damned funny because I was told the other day that I'm always telling people what to do, and that I need to listen more. And that's true. Quite frankly I don't know... sometimes I, well no, I pride myself on being a Leo, and we are supposed to be bossy (as a negative trait anyway) but more and more I'm beginning to realise that my bossy/interfering/overbearing tendencies may be a response to feeling cowed down by others. Unfortunately the response doesn't come immediately after I've been cowed down. So say I feel that way today, I may not be bossy or patronising to that same person until next week, and so they wouldn't be able to make the connection that I'm being that way because of the last time they cowed me down.

(If you haven't noticed by now, I'm rambling.)

Digressing actually.

Okay, a spectator sport, it's one that many people find entertaining to watch. This has got to be true for my life, else so many people wouldn't have agreed with me when I say that my life is like a soap opera. Many people have the same morbid curiousity about my life like they do about soap operas. That's why, for example, when I went to Carib last week to watch The Legend of Zorro a concessionaire thought to come over and ask how my mother was doing, and why before I could answer, the two concessionaires who had been serving me were able to exclaim, "What? How you mean to seh you never hear!" and the second goes, "Wait, a nuh all two year now?" while the first is asking, "You never know seh is her mother wash weh and dead?" and then the third answers "Is her mother did wash weh at Cassia Park?!" looking over at me in open-mouthed horror. I barely managed to get a "Yes" in edgewise and I was only called upon to speak and say "I'm doing okay" in answer to "Lawd, is how yu managing?"

You'd think I'd love this because I'm a Leo right? And according to Skyscript, an astrology website:

They are attracted to passion, drama and crave attention. This latter is particularly evident in Leos, who revel in positions that draw attention to them; where it is not forthcoming they will make conscious and unconscious attempts to foster it though the use of strong, vivid colours, dramatic gestures and overblown expressions.

Unconscious, eh? How depressing. That means I actually attract this kind of drama to myself, even though from 19-how-long I've been singing NO MORE DRAMA right along with Mary J? Maybe instead of shying away from confrontations, and stuffing all my emotions inside, ignoring when people hurt my feelings, and generally turning the other cheek with the exceptions of a few escapee snide remarks I should just embrace my inner Leo and blaze and blaze all the jackasses who dare defy my majesty.

I actually like the sound of that

But while I have the balls to go charging across Jackshill to Norbrook like it's my personal touge, roaring down into hairpin turns braking later than even hardened looking Suzuki Swift GTi drivers (that's a story for another day) and having my male friends go, "Not me rasta, my balls shrink when I try to do shit like that," I'm not bad ass enough to become the consummate Leo. Bad, probably, because it means I'm scared and will always let my feelings be trampled upon. Good, definitely, because to be honest, the consummate Leo is a real bitch.

I guess the trick is to find a mid-point, and bring balance to this sport.

• Tags: thoughts
• Mood:contemplative

Under Construction

This is my blog's new home. Right now I'm busy copying the archived entries over from Livejournal. It's a slow process because I have to do them one by one, but I've already gotten through 2004, so hopefully I'll be done this weekend.

Harry Potter Mania

Now that Anne Rice has completed her Vampire Chronicles and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is long ended, Christmas means Harry Potter :)

Harry Potter Meme of All Memes by Osaku
Name/Username
Age
Gender
House	Gryffindor
Wand	Elm, 10", Dragon Heartstring
Best Course	Care of Magical Creatures
Worst Course	Herbology
Pet	Whiskered Screech-Owl
Patronus	Dog
Quidditch Job	Chaser
Wizard Candy	Drooble's Best Blowing Gum
Profession After School	Cursebreaker
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Thanks Clau! (And I always knew I'd be in Gryffindor, I'm a Leo afterall... well no, Slytherin would've worked too for a Leo I suppose, but no, I'm a Gryffindor through and through!)

And J would be in Gryffindor as well, I guess we were just meant to be :-)

Harry Potter Meme of All Memes by Osaku
Name/Username
Age
Gender
House	Gryffindor
Wand	Elm, 9", Veela Hair
Best Course	Defense Against the Dark Arts
Worst Course	History of Magic
Pet	Northern Saw-Whet Owl
Patronus	Skrewt
Quidditch Job	Referee
Wizard Candy	Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans (Mmm! Tripe!)
Profession After School	Hogwarts Professor
Quiz created with MemeGen!

One liners...

Just some random one liners that I've come accross in the past 12 hours:

There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site.
- Sydney J. Harris

The positive focus of positive energy can create a positive reality, for oneself and for others.

Trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

• Mood:i feel crappy