My life is a spectator sport

Sometimes I feel like my life is a spectator sport. It's like The Price is Right meets Jeopardy or maybe Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with permanent lifelines, always there shouting the answers. I feel like I'm always being told what to do.

I don't think I can remember the last time someone actually asked me, "So Kim, what do you want to do about ?" It's "Why didn't you do this?" or "You need to do that." And when I do say what I want to do about a situation, I often get either an "Okay" tinged with disbelief that I'd ignore their statement, a "Sure Kim" that amounds to "Fine, you're obviously stupid because you won't do what I say", or "Do whatever you want" which I found out never ever means to do what I want, that means you're to do what the person saying that wants on pain of well, emotional death.

That I feel this way is actually damned funny because I was told the other day that I'm always telling people what to do, and that I need to listen more. And that's true. Quite frankly I don't know... sometimes I, well no, I pride myself on being a Leo, and we are supposed to be bossy (as a negative trait anyway) but more and more I'm beginning to realise that my bossy/interfering/overbearing tendencies may be a response to feeling cowed down by others. Unfortunately the response doesn't come immediately after I've been cowed down. So say I feel that way today, I may not be bossy or patronising to that same person until next week, and so they wouldn't be able to make the connection that I'm being that way because of the last time they cowed me down.

(If you haven't noticed by now, I'm rambling.)

Digressing actually.

Okay, a spectator sport, it's one that many people find entertaining to watch. This has got to be true for my life, else so many people wouldn't have agreed with me when I say that my life is like a soap opera. Many people have the same morbid curiousity about my life like they do about soap operas. That's why, for example, when I went to Carib last week to watch The Legend of Zorro a concessionaire thought to come over and ask how my mother was doing, and why before I could answer, the two concessionaires who had been serving me were able to exclaim, "What? How you mean to seh you never hear!" and the second goes, "Wait, a nuh all two year now?" while the first is asking, "You never know seh is her mother wash weh and dead?" and then the third answers "Is her mother did wash weh at Cassia Park?!" looking over at me in open-mouthed horror. I barely managed to get a "Yes" in edgewise and I was only called upon to speak and say "I'm doing okay" in answer to "Lawd, is how yu managing?"

You'd think I'd love this because I'm a Leo right? And according to Skyscript, an astrology website:

They are attracted to passion, drama and crave attention. This latter is particularly evident in Leos, who revel in positions that draw attention to them; where it is not forthcoming they will make conscious and unconscious attempts to foster it though the use of strong, vivid colours, dramatic gestures and overblown expressions.

Unconscious, eh? How depressing. That means I actually attract this kind of drama to myself, even though from 19-how-long I've been singing NO MORE DRAMA right along with Mary J? Maybe instead of shying away from confrontations, and stuffing all my emotions inside, ignoring when people hurt my feelings, and generally turning the other cheek with the exceptions of a few escapee snide remarks I should just embrace my inner Leo and blaze and blaze all the jackasses who dare defy my majesty.

I actually like the sound of that

But while I have the balls to go charging across Jackshill to Norbrook like it's my personal touge, roaring down into hairpin turns braking later than even hardened looking Suzuki Swift GTi drivers (that's a story for another day) and having my male friends go, "Not me rasta, my balls shrink when I try to do shit like that," I'm not bad ass enough to become the consummate Leo. Bad, probably, because it means I'm scared and will always let my feelings be trampled upon. Good, definitely, because to be honest, the consummate Leo is a real bitch.

I guess the trick is to find a mid-point, and bring balance to this sport.

• Tags: thoughts
• Mood:contemplative