From my heart

Sometimes you can't find the words to express your feelings. The paradox of my life is that I'm a journalist but when it comes to describing those deep emotions that are close to my heart I usually clam up tighter than an oyster. Luckily we have artistes and songwriters out there whose music mirror what we feel in our hearts. So these are for J, from my heart:

Faith Evans - Never Gonna Let You Go

Ginuwine - My Whole Life Has Changed

Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby

SWV - Weak

Micheal Jackson - You Are Not Alone

Jodeci - Love You For Life

Aaliyah - One In A Million

AZ Yet - Last Night

TLC - Red Light Special

Tweet - Turn Da Lights Off

Jodeci - Freakin You

Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You

Destiny's Child - Cater 2 U

Phil Collins and Babyface - True Colors

All 4 One - I Swear

Micheal Jackson - Speechless

John Legend - Ordinary People

• Mood:optimistic

The Importance of Married Friends

Having married friends is very important for a young married couple. How important just hit home to me awhile ago after a conversation I had with a friend of ours who's married. It's not a matter of you being closer to them, or you having more fun with them, it's just a matter of having friends who understand how your value system works now because you're married. I'm married. God being above all things is just understood, so my husband comes first and my job second and then everything else.

To me it has to be that way if a marriage is going to survive (I mean when we have kids then it will be the kiddies and J first *smile*) but it's me and hubby, we're one, we're a unit, and the marriage unit has to get priority. And sometimes non-married people don't get that. I mean they'll understand it at the basic level of 'Okay that's the spouse and the spouse is important' but many people don't get (and sometimes even spouses don't get this I think) how that fact permeates through everything in your life.

Here's an example, J and I are having a ridiculously hard time coping with our forced separation. We both hate being apart, we're stronger together, we both really need physical comfort from each other (hugs, bottom pinching, tickling) to set us at ease and cool our tempers, and so with that gone we're both cranky, moody, miserable, and prone to arguments. Even in the midst of arguing though, we stick to our 'communication' mission and we talk it to death :) We have to, it's how we deal with things and come out stronger.

So while well-meaning un-married people go, 'Just ignore him, don't call him.' Married people go, 'Keep your temper Kim and stop answering him back.' The 'not calling back' makes my husband feel like I don't care about working through the problems anymore. NOT the message I want to send at all. Keeping my temper and ditching the cutting replies sends a message that I want to compromise... and it's that last tactic that's yielding results. Yes we still argue, I mean I'm still stuck here in Jamaica :( but the arguments aren't as full blown, they're more like spirited discussions, and they're certainly not as drawn out anymore.

At the end of the day, I love all my friends. We need different friends to help us get through the different hurdles life throws our way. Now married friends aren't just people who need 'kitchen passes' to go anywhere. Being married has shown me how to appreciate my them and has in fact humbled me to the amazing and diverse support group of friends that both J and I have. We're blessed. To our friends, we love you. Thanks *hugs*

• Mood:peaceful & hungry (lunch time)

Please remove

Two words that I hate and would like to be removed from the English language - no all languages:

Main Entry: sus·cep·ti·ble
Pronunciation: s&-'sep-t&-b&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin susceptibilis, from Latin susceptus, past participle of suscipere to take up, admit, from sub-, sus- up + capere to take
1 : capable of submitting to an action, process, or operation susceptible to proof
2 : open, subject, or unresistant to some stimulus, influence, or agency
3 : IMPRESSIONABLE, RESPONSIVE

The second is 'encourageable' which isn't really a word, so here's the closest thing:

Main Entry: en·cour·age
Pronunciation: in-'k&r-ij, -'k&-rij, en-
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -aged; -ag·ing
Etymology: Middle English encoragen, from Middle French encoragier, from Old French, from en- + corage courage
1 : to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope : HEARTEN
2 : to spur on : STIMULATE
3 : to give help or patronage to : FOSTER

• Mood:crushed, picking up the pieces
• Music:the lightening and thunder outside

Patience and Faith

Just had to put the Bible reading from ODB up here. It's from Job, who is one of the big patience role models if you ask me, and I just thought it was uncanny that this came up today based on the lessons in patience that I was dealing with yesterday

Job 23: 8-23 (NIV)

8 "But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.

9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.

10 But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

11 My feet have closely followed his steps;
I have kept to his way without turning aside.

12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips;
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

13 "But he stands alone, and who can oppose him?
He does whatever he pleases.

14 He carries out his decree against me,
and many such plans he still has in store.

15 That is why I am terrified before him;
when I think of all this, I fear him.

16 God has made my heart faint;
the Almighty has terrified me.

17 Yet I am not silenced by the darkness,
by the thick darkness that covers my face.

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without adversity. - That's a really powerful saying isn't it? Thinking this way has definitely helped me get through the tough times I've encountered.

• Tags: our daily bread, religious
• Mood:calm, just need some tea now
• Music:the helper outside washing

Gratitude

Gratitude is the one thing you can hear a lot about, for example, who and who isn't being grateful or people saying thank you, and expressing appreciation. It's amazing how many people forget to say thank you these days, and it's even more amazing how many people discard the thanks of others just because the 'thank you' didn't take the form they wanted it to take.

Just another thought brought on by today's ODB reading :) The Bible reading is actually one of my favourites:

Luke 17:11-19 (NIV)
Ten Healed of Leprosy
Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy[a]met him. They stood at a distance 13and called out in a loud voice, "Jesus, Master, have pity on us!"

When he saw them, he said, "Go, show yourselves to the priests." And as they went, they were cleansed.

One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."

• Tags: our daily bread
• Mood:deadlines, schmedlines

Top reasons not to marry a car chick

Who says you can't find cool stuff on a VW website. This is one of the best articles I've seen in a long time. It's called Top 10 Reasons Not to Marry a Car Chick and while some of them are definitely not me (J has more tools and better quality tools than I do, hehehe do I get brownie points for buying the Craftsman ones? LOL) and I sure as hell would never dream of telling him what car to buy, or what engine would best suit him, but here are the two excerpts that struck me the most:

Top 10 Reasons Not to Marry a Car Chick (excerpts)

By: Katherine Helmetag

I get it every time. “I wish my GF/wife/SO was like you!” No. You don’t. I am a car chick, and you don’t want to be attached to a car chick. You want to run. Far, far away. And I am going to tell you why it sucks to be married to me.

Third. OMG, OMG, OMG, thank you, honey! What an incredible surprise! I knew you loved me! That turbo kit you found on eBay? The one you bought and didn’t tell me about? Well, it fits my car too. And since it arrived while you were away on a business trip and I had no way of knowing whose car it was for, I already have it installed. On my car. I love you!

Ten. You love me for being a car chick, and you hate yourself for putting up with it. If you do manage to put up with it (glutton for punishment, you are), you are going to wonder why all your friends don’t find car chicks of their own. Mostly so they will leave me alone. Let’s face it, I get more attention than you or your car does no matter where we go. Even worse, I go away sometimes just to do car things with car guys. I will probably have a guy as a co-driver, too. I behave myself when I’m away, but you have no way of knowing that. You are just going to have to trust me.

You can read the full article here: Top 10 Reasons Not to Marry a Car Chick

• Mood:my contacts are dry too
• Music:the chirp of the night time animals and the hum of the fan

Bitterness

Lately I've been listening to what I say to other people and I realise that I've become a very bitter person. I'd love to blame it on my current PMS state, but I have a sneaky suspicion that my cycle has nothing to do with this. Someone recently said to me that I have to make myself happy first. And it's something I've always known, but I guess I'd kind of moved away from. I think that I have to find a way to accept the situations that are tossed my way. And you know what's funny? It's not the situations over which I have no control that are making me bitter, which is what seems to happen with most people. It's the situations that maybe if we had time machines I could change that I sit and wrack my brain over. I think I just need to accept that they both actually fall into the same category: things that cannot be changed that just need to be accepted.

I think I'm going to make this 'Say No to Bitterness' week.

• Tags: goals
• Mood:fighting off the bitterness...
• Music:the regular hum of the editorial floor

Another marriage tidbit

Here's another tidbit I found in an MSN article (yes, I read alot of online articles at work!) :p

How to love the one you're with
No matter what the style, good marriages are based on chemistry, commitment and communication. And optimism: It helps to look at your marriage as half full rather than half empty. "Loving your husband and yourself at the same time depends upon seeing him as clearly as possible, trying to forgive him for what you see that you wish you didn't, and trying to live with him in spite of it," says Dr. Sills. Ironically, the very qualities about him that bug you may be what you secretly wish for yourself. "Developing that other side in yourself can change the balance in your marriage for the better," says Dr. Carter.

The Two Kinds of Husbands

PS - I'm definitely in a Husband Marriage, with spontaneous Boyfriend Marriage excitement hehehe (clueless? read the MSN article to find out.)

• Mood:need to calm down & do story

Marriage Makes a Difference

The reading in our Couple's Bible from two nights ago talked about the fact that trouble are guaranteed, so it doesn't make sense to the little voice that says "What would you do if...?" because it's a matter of when you cross through the river or the fire, and God will be there with you, so you won't go through it alone.. This forced separation has been really hard on J and I but our being married is one of the primary things helping us get through (besides our love for each other and our long-standing friendship and all :) It's because I know and I believe J feels the same way, that neither of us is ever going to call it quits. For me, it's based on my Catholic disbelief in divorce, I made vows in front of God and man that it's until death, and so it is, and I'm going to hold true to that tennant of my religion. Heheh to be honest it's that and a good dose of stubborness and pride, but that's what we both have. Together we believe, even though the word has been tossed around enough, that 'getting out' isn't an option, so that means that whatever problems crop up, we will deal with them. And that's what makes our marriage so strong.

Anyway, I was reading something on MSN this morning that caught my eye when I logged into Hotmail. It's about the changing face of the American family, it's no longer a Mom, a Dad, 2.5 kids and a dog. Here's an excerpt from the article:
The Marriage Advantage
According to 1999 figures from the Population Resource Center, families in which the mother is the head of the household are, by and large, living on less. Because of the wage gap, female-headed households earn, on average, $26,164 a year; male-headed households earn $41,138 per year; and married households earn $56,827 per year.

Then, there are the more than 1,100 federal benefits that married households can take advantage of during a lifetime. Under the Family and Medical Leave Act, married partners can take leave from work when their spouse gets sick; unmarried partners cannot. Federal Medicaid laws permit only married couples to keep their homes when one partner needs nursing home care; an unmarried partner can lose the house. When a married person dies, the spouse inherits Social Security benefits; an unmarried partner gets nothing.

All told, according to the Los Angeles-based American Association for Single People and cited in an October 2003 Business Week article, with health benefits, retirement, and so on, married families can "earn" 25 percent more than unmarried ones.

If you'd like to read more: The Changing American Family

• Mood:hungry, gonna eat a snack

Tools for life

I was reading today's Our Daily Bread and the Bible reading struck me. Everyday there can be any number of things we struggle with and sometimes we think, Oh if I had more money, or a better education, or more friends, or more time off, everything would be better. Faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love are eight things that the reading lists as attributes, which if we have them in increasing measure will help. And the knowledge isn't necessarily book knowledge, but spiritual. I'm going to try and work on these.

2 Peter: 5-9
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

• Tags: our daily bread, religious
• Mood:went gym earlier, need a snack

Surviving

I've been feeling buffeted in a million directions, and the Lord is right there with me. This morning I was sitting behind the laptop trying to concentrate on editing but tears kept welling up and blocking my vision, then I heard the church-goers across the way singing a hymn and before I knew it was I singing along and my tears had dried. Now here at work, someone has a radio going and as I came out the bathroom I heard this chorus:

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'

And then the very next song was Shaggy's Strength of a Woman. I think God is trying to show me that I do have the strength to keep my chin up and get through this. And that's just what I'm going to do :)

• Mood:spiritually refreshed
• Music:Johan Gielen Trance Energy 2003

KA assault through negligence

So I'm here bemoaning the fact that my engine is well and truly on its way to KA heaven. It seems like Wednesday's knocking disaster wasn't a 'near thing' as I was told on Thursday, but in fact a reality. So my little drift spin and burn out last night only served to aggravate whatever is causing the knocking in the engine.

And whatever is right. :( Based on what I've been told and what I've dug up on the net, it could be rod bearings, the main bearings, piston pins, the actual pistons, cam bearings or all of the above. But no one knows for sure. And since I can't bring myself to 'enjoy it while it lasts' and drive the car until maybe a rod blows out the block, I just have to find a way to know what's wrong. Now on Thursday I found out exactly where the rod bearings are and let me tell you the labour costs on a job like that are daunting to say the least. But I just can't face the alternative of driving the car and then on that fateful day when I have to dig into the RPMs to escape a chi chi bus or an 18 wheeler, BANG Max is KIA (killed in action) having DOW (died of wounds). It's hard enough to deal with that fact that my carelessness (checking everything but the oil for one month) has brought me to this stage, but to drive it till it pop would in my eyes be to commit an unforgiveable crime of turning a blind eye to the plight of my engine.

I mean, according Basil who is someone I really trust, the KA24E is already for all intent and purposes dead *gulp* but I can still feel a pulse! Oh God, I have to fight with this car till the end. This is DISTRESSING! And no one better post to comment to remind me that Max is just a car. It's like I said to J, "Being able to become one with this car, and feel the raw energy that comes from driving the car is perhaps the only thing that has made me having to be here bearable." So I've downloaded the KA24E service manual and I've done research and found a number of websites that sell OEM parts (quite a few have free shipping!). Later on today I should hopefully get a few more options from Basil, because while I know a new engine (a SR20DET and I so do not want a turbo engine out here) is about J$120k I'm not quite clear on the labour costs associated with replacing engine internals although based on what everyone is telling me it's an arm and a leg. I know that I can get a rod bearing set, a main bearing set, pistons, piston rings and a valve cover gastket set for US$331.89 including shipping, but is that all I'll need? And what IS the cost of labour? So I need more concrete dollar figures, so that I can compare and see what options are going to be feasible and worthwhile.

I really wish that I'd gotten into cars when I was younger, like all the males I know who got into the scene when they were 15 or younger. That way I would've made my mistakes at the same time they did and hopefully be as knowledgeable and mature as they are today. It's hard to be the late bloomer, your mistakes are glaring and stick out like a sore thumb because everybody else has already gone through the phase you're in. There's no help for it though. I may be a girl, but based on where I am in the car scene I'm going to have to hold my chin up, gird my loins and take this like a man.

• Mood:Max is DOW & i've got the bill

Amidst the demonstrations

So I'm here at work, despite the demonstrations on the road. The buses have stopped running and although it seems that most demonstrations are peaceful, there are road blocks. In here feels like a Sunday, but demonstrations or not, the paper has to go to press. And I don't mind really, being here is always better than the alternative - being at the house.


I'm also wondering if I'll have my first Critical Thinking class later today. I figure I'll call up to the school in a little while and ask. No rush, I'm going to be here all day anyay LOL


So I was reading today's Our Daily Bread and it's a very good one about marriage today. I couldn't help but smile as I read it though, because I know that J doesn't need any reminders that he needs to love me :) And it's a very comforting thought. Our pressing problems now have their root in matters we can't control, like my visa. As always though, the Bible passage and the ODB message were very comforting, and I had to take time out thank God for giving me a husband who doesn't need to be told to put our love and our marriage first, because it's already there at #1.

A marriage that's neglected

Brings pain and bitterness;

But one that's daily nurtured

Brings peace and happiness. —Sper


Nurture your marriage and you'll nourish your soul.

• Tags: our daily bread
• Mood:awake and ready to go
• Music:the a/c unit and a Jamaican morning television show

First Day Blues

I feel so down right now. Having Public Speaking for my first ever class was nerve-wracking and depressing. It's one thing to know your weak points, but to have to face them glaringly right-off-the-bat is horrible. Today we had to take about 20 minutes to write a 3 minute speech on a topic that we had seen recently in the media. Not a problem, I work at a media house. I decided to use Kanye West's "Bush doesn't like black people" rip and I dove right in.

Giving the speech was the hard part. To ease my nervousness, I appologised for my squeaky shoes - I'm definitely taking them to be re-heeled this week! - and appologising for anything is apparently a major no-no. Then I apparently folded my arms across my chest, which is a major sign of defensiveness. While receiving this critique, which to be fair was very constructive and not mean, I wanted to scream but I was defending myself from all the concrete faces that were looking back at me! I was a pile of nerves, and I knew it, and it made me uncomfortable, which made me shift from leg to leg, stand akimbo and gesticulate wildly. And J can tell you that wild gesticulations is one of the absolute worst habits that I have, and the more nervous I am, the more wild my gesticulations.

What saved me apparently was my topic and my knowledge of the situation. Working at a media house definitely has its perks, I'd just compiled a 'Hurricane Katrina Did You Know' piece for TA that included statistics from an Associated Press survey, so I had all the relevant facts fresh in my mind. The nicest thing said was when the lecturer made the comment that after I was finished he was thinking that I know my stuff so well that they need to find a way to let me have dual-citizenship and send me off to the States. It was all I could do to just nod and smile, I almost started crying because being able to go back to the States and J would... I'm at a loss for words to describe just how, well how happy that would make me.

So the first day is over. Tomorrow I have Critical Thinking. I'm going to move my behind to the back of the class and shut my mouth. I don't know what I was thinking sitting in the front anyway. I guess I'd forgotten that a different code applies in a Jamaican class room... man, UCU and Holland certainly have made me soft!

• Tags: ucc
• Mood:drained and exhausted
• Music:Johan Gielen - Trance Energy 2003

Back-to-school again

My classes at the University College of the Caribbean start tomorrow evening with a Public Speaking class at 5:30 pm. I had wanted to go to the dirt sprint today out in Ocho Rios but I figured it would be best to get my editing out the way for tomorrow without having to stay up until 2am. So no sprinting up Chalky Hill for me today either. It's okay though, last Sunday went very well, I just took my time edited, and then went down to work. And Jason's off today, so we can talk online. I have to recommend Yahoo's new messenger with voice, it's so crisp and clear! :)

• Tags: ucc
• Mood:calm

Got Haka?

I like finding out about other cultures. I think that's why I took to Holland so well. Everything was so different, down to even having tea at someone's house and how you wish people happy birthday (all close family members and friends get congratulated in addition to the birthday boy or girl).

The Haka is a traditional New Zealand dance. I've got a friend in NZ (I'm not idle enough to just roam the internet for this stuff yet LOL) and that's how I found out about the All Blacks, their Rugby Union team, and their Haka. Anyway, the All Blacks (which isn't an all black team by the way LOL) have a new Haka and the video is here:

Captain Umaga leads the All Blacks in their new Haka, 'Kapa o Pango'

http://www.allblacks.com/index.cfm?layout=displayNews&newsArticle=2468

I just think it's interesting to see white people beating on themselves in a manner that I guess we usually associate with Africans or just black people :) I'm not trying to be disparaging or anything, but just watch and see for yourselves...

• Mood:tired, long day at work