How To Commiserate

Main Entry: com·mis·er·ate
Pronunciation: k&-'mi-z&-"rAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing
: to feel or express sympathy
: CONDOLE (commiserates with them on their loss)

transitive senses : to feel or express sorrow or compassion for
- com·mis·er·at·ing·ly adverb
- com·mis·er·a·tion /-"mi-z&-'rA-sh&n/ noun
- com·mis·er·a·tive /-'mi-z&-"rA-tiv/ adjective

From what I gather being able to commiserate with women, or how to console women when they're having a bad day or just general feel low, isn't a skill that comes readily to most men. Unfortunately, most men also get quite upset when it's pointed out that maybe they aren't being as sympathic as women might wish because, I suppose, men always have it figured out.

To compound matters, although the Mirriam Webster dictionary definition of 'commiserate' is quite simple to understand (at least I think so), commiseration works differently for each and every woman out there. How I might like to be consoled could differ vastly from how you like to be consoled, and I guess the same works for men. Comforting words and phrases like, "It's okay Kimmie, you can do it," or, "Don't worry, we'll figure it out," always work very well.

But sometimes what's more important is being able to pick up the rake quickly that a woman is in a state where she needs words and phrases of consolation. Equally important is not jumping to the conclusion that you, as the man, are somehow involved. In my life experience--which is woefully limited, trust me I know--the majority of men immediately assume that they have done something wrong or that the woman's downturn in mood is their fault. (To tell you the truth I've always wondered if that's not a case of guilty conscience coming to the fore, but that's a different matter entirely.)

So what happens is women get asked questions like, "What's your problem?" which just starts everything off on the wrong foot because if you refer to the definition of commiserate, what's need is sympathy. Now, stick a pin, the woman may well have a problem, but at that sticky juncture it's a matter of tact and approach to get her to express her problem so that you the man can help her solve the problem, if you like, or just well, commiserate.

One sure fire approach is, "Would you like to talk about it?" Sometimes this question doesn't even need qualifying, by which I mean a man wouldn't have to start off with, "Hey, you sound horrible, would you like to talk about it?" Some women may not mind that, but for some that may be the final tactless straw. Now asking the question doesn't mean you'll get a positive response. If a woman says, "No," it may not be a good idea to ask, "Why not?". A man can always back away gracefully by saying, "Well, I just want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you're ready." If you're a man, that might sound like a load of codswallop to you, but most of the time that's the best possible thing to say.

Please note: There is unfortunately no play-book for where to go if a woman does decide to tell you what's wrong. The key words, if she does decide to express what's troubling her, are: tact, sensitivity and patience.

Distraught women are not usually very direct in their explanations. For some normally well-spoken women, expressing their inner emotions can be a harrowing experience that leaves them tongue-tied, talking in circles. Remember patience is a virtue.

Sensitivity seems to be a unforgiveable word for many men, but being sensitive doesn't necessarily mean you have to gush tears right along with the woman doing the explaining. It simple means trying not to be harsh when asking her questions.

Tact is timeless. As a man, you may well see where the woman in question made a mistake that is blatantly obvious to you but refrain from phrases such as, "Well that was dumb," or "Why'd you do that for anyway?" Unfortunately there is no guide to tact. Well there might be. I'd suggest you Google that.

Once again, every woman is different but as a man, if you bear these things in mind, it may lead to more harmonious male-female relationships. And remember, where in doubt, just ask the woman in question what her definition of commiseration is... but if you ask, be sure to listen and be prepared to use what she says later down the lines.