Yesterday would've been my parents' 26th wedding anniversary had my mom been alive. Dec. 12 just adds another rough day to the Christmas season. I enjoy Christmas, like the fog this morning really had me in a holiday mood, but I'd love more than anything if my mom could see our Christmas tree and our other holiday decorations. I'd love to tell her where I found all the ornaments... the way I bonded at the clerks at the Walgreens on Airline in Bossier City because I kept going back to get the decorations I needed. How I found our gorgeous mocha-chocolate complexion tree-topper angel in an off chance visit to K-Mart because our friend's 4-year-old threw up at dinner and needed a change of clothes. How I lucked out and walked into Dillards during military appreciation day and got 15% off the "Baby's First Christmas" ornament and how I wasn't afraid to perch on the roof stringing Christmas lights on a Sunday afternoon.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
What makes it even harder is that I know things really aren't so bad. I know people who have much, much heavier burdens to bear this Christmas, and that makes me feel five different sorts of guilty. But at night, when it's quiet my heart still feels weighed down and I still feel sad.
"Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost." — Terry Brooks
2 comments:
I'm so sorry. I feel for you and other families who have lost loved ones during this season. Sadly, Christmas isn't always merry for some folks, because there's always a tinge of sorrow in the midst of the joy. But embrace it all. And thank God for the hope of the resurrection. Death isn't the end.
P.S. It's okay to vent and to share how one's feeling. Life isn't always about de 'kin teet'.
Jamaican Dawta: Thanks for saying it so well for me. It's just brief moments in the midst of enjoying the season... Plus I think I'm feeling it more because last Christmas was a blur with the baby, but now she's so sociable it's hard not to imagine her and Mommy interacting and more importantly, next year marks five years since she's passed, which feels like a milestone of some sort. But you're right, death isn't the end.
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