Do you think about me now and then?
Do you think about me now and then?
- Chris Martin on Kanye West's "Homecoming"
I've been in two minds about writing this blog for a very long time. But I think it's better to do blog therapy than become a full-fledged stalker. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Ever think back to the people in your past? Does your mind ever run on someone who you'd like to know how they're doing. If they've made it. If they've found happiness and peave. Maybe you want to apologize. Tell them that you're sorry for hurting them, that you were young and that you were hurting, too. Maybe all of these things? Well, after my Mom died — no, a long time after my Mom died because it's been five years now — I gathered the courage and spoke to those in my past who I knew I needed to apologize to.
One memorable conversation took place on New Years Eve. Another just happened randomly on MSN. Both shocked me to my toes because they wanted to apologize too. How about that? They brought peace. And continuity... D.S. is one of Moo Moo's godparents.
But JVN eludes me. Those initials alone have such a story to them, it would take the rest of the night to type the prologue. JVN—JVM... More questions, does the owner of the initials even remember that play on words? But I digress. Everything in my being is telling me that I need to contact this person and apologize. Self-serving? Probably. Guilt has a tendency to weigh more heavily on one's soul with time. I most definitely want to get this weight off my chest. The funny thing is that JVN and I have had this conversation before, but with age (and marriage) comes immense wisdom and I believe that I am now truly contrite.
Stalking? Well, Google is a wonderful thing and I still remember the website for the telephone directory. But I had to draw the line at sending emails. J' said that he wouldn't have a problem with receiving a phone call — actually, this came up because someone had called him to apologize! Random, but true, I swear — but then the JVN I remember is an intensely private person. And suppose he has found peace? I certainly don't want my phone call to jolt him out of that... or is that me inflating my self worth? Would my phone call mean anything?
Hmm. It's deep. But I suppose there are some mistakes that we don't deserve absolution from. At least I could say it here. I think I'll leave it here, too.
JVN, fuzzy. Doei.
2 comments:
I REALLY feel you on this post.
Even though I've apologised to my former BFF, sought reconciliation, thought she wanted the same thing, but realised I was the only one doing most of the reaching out, and it seemed that she didn't want the friendship anymore, but was probably too much of a coward to say anything, because she probably hadn't really forgiven me, or maybe she did, but didn't trust me anymore, and so I felt like I was being strung along for a long while, I'm in the process of trying to let go. Notice I said, "trying."
It still hurts, though, whenever I recall how much of myself I poured into her life for so many years, and when I made ONE stupid mistake, because I was going through some serious sh*t at the time, she rejected me and found it so easy to let the friendship die. That sucks big time.
Now, I don't want the friendship anymore, and I will always wish her well, but sometimes I still feel hurt and angry and foolish. I still think about having a chance to trash it all out with her about what had happened, to let her know that I never intended to hurt her, and that I wished she had been there for me, or at least tried, and even had been honest to say that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore, if that was what she had wanted.
But it might not work out as it did in your case, when the other party also wanted to apologise. So I might as well let sleeping dogs lie. Or perhaps stop flogging an already dead horse.
Sorry for rambling. Your post touched a nerve. I probably need to post about this for cathartic purposes. I'm glad for you, that you experienced peace, if not with JVN - yet - at least with the others. Thanks for sharing. Believe it or not, this post has helped.
jamaican dawta: I know exactly how you feel. The irony is that this post was about JVN, but I ended up having a long conversation with another old flame that left me feeling the same was you described, "hurt and angry and foolish." Finding out the truth isn't always as wholesome an experience as one would think. But in the end it is good for one's soul.
I agree with you about letting sleeping dogs lie and not flogging a dead horse. Especially when you think that the other person has problem moved on and isn't beating up themself nearly as much as you!
I'm glad that I helped you though. Viva la blog therapy!
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