Do you think about me now and then?
Do you think about me now and then?
- Chris Martin on Kanye West's "Homecoming"
I've been in two minds about writing this blog for a very long time. But I think it's better to do blog therapy than become a full-fledged stalker. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Ever think back to the people in your past? Does your mind ever run on someone who you'd like to know how they're doing. If they've made it. If they've found happiness and peave. Maybe you want to apologize. Tell them that you're sorry for hurting them, that you were young and that you were hurting, too. Maybe all of these things? Well, after my Mom died — no, a long time after my Mom died because it's been five years now — I gathered the courage and spoke to those in my past who I knew I needed to apologize to.
One memorable conversation took place on New Years Eve. Another just happened randomly on MSN. Both shocked me to my toes because they wanted to apologize too. How about that? They brought peace. And continuity... D.S. is one of Moo Moo's godparents.
But JVN eludes me. Those initials alone have such a story to them, it would take the rest of the night to type the prologue. JVN—JVM... More questions, does the owner of the initials even remember that play on words? But I digress. Everything in my being is telling me that I need to contact this person and apologize. Self-serving? Probably. Guilt has a tendency to weigh more heavily on one's soul with time. I most definitely want to get this weight off my chest. The funny thing is that JVN and I have had this conversation before, but with age (and marriage) comes immense wisdom and I believe that I am now truly contrite.
Stalking? Well, Google is a wonderful thing and I still remember the website for the telephone directory. But I had to draw the line at sending emails. J' said that he wouldn't have a problem with receiving a phone call — actually, this came up because someone had called him to apologize! Random, but true, I swear — but then the JVN I remember is an intensely private person. And suppose he has found peace? I certainly don't want my phone call to jolt him out of that... or is that me inflating my self worth? Would my phone call mean anything?
Hmm. It's deep. But I suppose there are some mistakes that we don't deserve absolution from. At least I could say it here. I think I'll leave it here, too.
JVN, fuzzy. Doei.