Blog therapy. Last Sunday at the second JMMC dexterity of the season (and my last until hopefully in October) I came 4th in the RWD class and 5th in the Lady Dexterity class. I could've come second in the Lady's class if I hadn't butchered four cones on my run, but that's life. All throughout my "road less travelled" blogs I never realised that the teething/growing pains would hurt like this. The
real FWD ace gave me a pep talk on Sunday that I'm so grateful for - I'm sure not even he realises how much - but it doesn't really take away the bitter taste of losing... not even coming home with one trophy.
The interesting thing is that although at Dex 1 I came home with two trophies, RWD sensei was actually happier with my outing this time around. Go figure. He says that this time I really drove my car, and that I shouldn't worry about hitting the cones because he can teach me to avoid those, he just can't teach me to drive aggressively, which I was finally doing. I cling to that, and I cling to my pep talk. Even FWD ace (not to be confused with the
real FWD ace) came over to me at the end of everything when I was putting Max in reverse to leave, and said that he was happy to see that I was finally
driving the car. It's only now, a couple days later, that I can put it all in perspective. On Sunday I was still smarting from the sickening feeling of having to actually hand the first place Lady's trophy to the very person I'd wanted to badly to beat. (Mind you she did put down a damn good drive.)
What's most interesting is that the
real FWD ace said that I was being too hard on myself, and RWD sensei (whom I'm walking beside in the pic) was standing right there and didn't disagree. Why this is most interesting to me is that one Monday someone at work said that exact same thing to me, "You push yourself too hard Kim. You don't have to, you know." Ordinarily I would've brushed that statement off as an excuse for a dismal performance or not excelling. To be honest, right now I don't quite know what to do with those statements, but in the next couple of weeks I'll have a lot of time to think about things.
None of this makes it easier though. I like trophies. I like to win. I like being number one. But as the
real FWD ace put it, you'll have to just stick with it to get to that point and...
- After each run, sit in my car and re-do the course in my mind. Looking at where I made mistakes and seeing how they can be corrected.
- Aim to learn the course on my first run, my don't drive Miss Daisy. The second run is to set the time and the third run is brawta, where you can attack if you want.
- Don't think so much about everything and just drive, really drive. According to RWD sensei, "You can't handbrake the car in a straight line and the car just won't turn if you're doing too slow."
And to myself I say, this is just the first bend in the road, I need to keep on trucking.
- Mood: contemplative
- Music: the whir of the ceiling fan and my laptop's internal fan
Memories are like a double-edged sword. I'm back here on the rock with all the memories of my stay with J, being swamped with memories of my Moms. I can't believe it's been three years already since she's been gone. Wednesday was the third anniversary of her death and yesterday would've been her 52nd birthday. Sadly, and I feel it's gotten to the point where a memorian was put in the paper just because it was a duty to be done. Maybe I'm just clinging too tightly to my memories, but I think my Moms deserved better, or maybe not better, but at least more thought? But that's life and I wasn't here - I couldn't bear to be here, actually no April 5 has caught me on this island since 2003 - and so, I suppose I forfeited my input. Maybe I'm just jealous that others have moved on with their lives so completely, while I'm here struggling with feelings of loss and a little bitterness that Moms never saw me graduate, get married or land my first job and will never see the grandchild I'm carrying.
